Of Regret and Necessity
by BurningSilence
Summary: A young Breton assassin finds out how hard it is to move on.


**Title: **Of Regret and Necessity

**Author: **BurningSilence

**Rating:** T?? It's not really all that naughty…just some minor, _very_ minor cursing.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned the Elder Scrolls series, my financial troubles would be _over_!

**Summary:** A young Breton assassin finds out how hard it is to move on.

**Warnings:** The characters might seem slightly OOC...well, mainly Lucien really. I tried to keep him in-character, but since we seem to only see him for a total of 10 minutes for the whole game, I didn't have much to work with, the elusive bastard.

* * *

She knew she was supposed to head back to the Cheydinhal Sanctuary as per the Night Mother's orders, but Isabelle couldn't bring herself to head back there right away. Maybe it was cowardice on her part, but the Sanctuary held more bad memories now that it did good ones. And it wasn't as if she wouldn't head back there eventually, she just needed some time to herself.

She could think of no better place for that than Fort Farragut.

At the mere thought of her Speaker's former residence, the young Breton felt her heart constrict. She'd failed him. One of the few people who'd placed any faith in her and she couldn't even bring the evidence that was needed to clear his name on time.

She slumped down on the small bed that Lucien (presumably) slept on and let out a shuddering breath. Isabelle hadn't felt this out of sorts since her last confrontation with the Speaker. Well, that wasn't exactly correct. There was one other time she'd felt as lost as she did now.

"_Why would you make me kill them?" she'd screamed, angrily at the man she thought she could trust. "They…they were-" she tried to continued, but her sobs cut her off. _

_The girl tried to control her breathing, waiting for Lucien to respond. She wasn't disappointed._

"_I do not owe you any sort of explanation, child. I did what I could, and this was the only way we could find for you to prove your loyalty to the Dark Brotherhood," he stated coolly, seemingly contradicting his words about explaining himself. _

_Isabelle over looked that._

"_And why was_ that_ important? What do I matter? You _know_ that no one in the Sanctuary would have _ever_ betrayed you let alone the Brotherhood," she argued._

_He regarded her coldly, his dark gaze piercing, "Are you implying you would have rather martyred yourself on principle? You would have preferred death?"_

_It was on the tip of Isabelle's tongue to say 'yes', but she caught herself. He was right, (damn him anyway); she would not have chosen to be killed. And, if she thought about it, she was even thankful Lucien seemed to have interfered a bit when it had come to her fate._

_She dropped her gaze to the stone floor of the fort, starting when she felt large hands on her shoulders._

"_We needed to find the traitor," he murmured, his tone warmer now. His hands squeezed her arms gently, almost comfortingly. "I…I regret what had to happen. But I do not regret that it was _you_ who were spared."_

_She looked up at the man in a daze and felt his hand cup her cheek. Isabelle could feel the rising blush, causing her cheeks to heat up as he seemed to lean closer. When their lips almost met, she came back to herself and stepped back rather abruptly. _

_The brunette turned away from him and wrapped her arms around herself. She closed her eyes and felt tears drip down steadily as she tried to find the right words to speak. _

"_I…I apologize. I just c-can't. I can barely stand to look at you right now and I know th-that you protected m-me but b-because of y-you they're all d-de-…" she couldn't finish and buried her face in her hands in a vain attempt to stem her cries. _

_It was strange; it was almost as if she could feel whatever tenderness Lucien had exhibited begin to retreat back into someplace nobody would be able to reach._

_She almost felt regretful._

_Perhaps in time, things could be different, but she wasn't holding out hope for that. She couldn't even think about that possibility right now. _

_Lucien's even tone broke through her reverie._

"_Yes, well, we still have quite a bit to discuss about you future as my Silencer…"_

And that had been it. The moment had never come up again, not even when they had last seen each other.

She bit back a sob and burrowed into the covers.

'What a Listener I make,' she thought, bitterly. 'I cry over every little thing.'

Oh, she hadn't _wanted _to be Listener; she would have been content to forever be Lucien's Silencer. And to think the Night Mother had known who the traitor was all along, and was even pleased with the deaths of J'Ghasta, Shaleez, Aval Uvani (although, from meeting him in town, Isabelle wasn't too torn up over his death either), Havilstein Hoar-Blood, and Ungolim…that just made the girl feel all the more uneasy. How easily would she be discarded if she ever displeased the Night Mother?

And she certainly couldn't face Arquen right now, either. Not the woman who'd been among the small group to brutally torture and murder her Speaker. Gods, how could she work with her? That _bitch _had been around the _real_ traitor and neither she nor those simpering sycophants had noticed in the _slightest._

That was possibly what had upset her the most. Besides the obvious, of course.

She turned to her side and tried to go to sleep; perhaps she'd find some modicum of comfort from being in Lucien's 'home', if you could call it that.

After tossing and turning a bit, Isabelle fell into a fitful and disturbing sleep.

* * *

The next evening, Isabelle made her way to Cheydinhal and into the Sanctuary, dreading needing to confront the haughty Altmer. Unfortunately, she was to be the Listener's main contact for the foreseeable future, at least, until she was replaced (or killed, Isabelle supposed. Not that the young Breton would have a problem with that…)

When she entered the main room, she noticed a couple people she'd never seen before murmuring to each other, however, the stopped as soon as they saw her.

'Hm, so these must be the new recruits Arquen has been bringing in,' Isabelle thought in disinterest. She found herself caring little in what was now going on in the Brotherhood. She was convinced the Night Mother chose poorly for her new Listener.

"Honoured Listener! How wonderful it is for you to grace us with your presence," the female gushed as he male companion fidgeted a bit.

Isabelle waved them off.

"Where is Speaker Arquen?" she questioned, a bit more harshly than needed.

"I-I believe she said something about recruiting someone else. She wasn't very specific…" The male answered.

"Hmm, no. She wouldn't be, now would she?" Isabelle replied, a bit snide. She disliked having so many new people at the Sanctuary. To her, it almost made it seem as if the previous members had been…disposable.

She supposed they were, in a sense.

The Imperial looked down, abashed. He clearly had not expected her to reply like she had. But that wasn't her problem; she just needed to speak to Arquen and be done with it. After all, she'd only need to meet with her once a week and deliver the Night Mother's orders.

Frankly, even once a week was too often for Isabelle's taste.

The young woman glared for good measure at the two new Murderers and walked off towards the living quarters. She brought her hands up to massage her temples; she could feel a migraine coming on. Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to come to this place this soon. However, it would never _really_ be a good time for her.

She sat down at the round table in the far corner of the room and slumped in her chair. She had wished to be able to get this meeting over with as soon as possible, and then she'd leave. Whether it would be back to Fort Farragut, (although she doubted she could go there) or perhaps purchase a home in Bravil she wasn't sure of yet.

But she couldn't stay here, that was for certain.

Her eyes swept over the room from her current vantage point, and then noticed something peculiar near the pantry. Upon zoning in on it, she saw a crumpled piece of paper behind the cupboard.

She got out of her chair and crouched down to pick the item up. Unfurling the paper, it became it was apparent that it was a letter, with handwriting she'd come to know with her first two Dead Drops. There were several words or full lines completely crossed out, making parts of the note almost illegible. As she read it, the young Breton began to cry again, this time not even bothering to cover them up.

And when Arquen found the Listener later on that evening, she found herself ill-prepared for the sudden violent onslaught from the obviously hysterical woman.

_

* * *

_

I was heart-broken when you rejected me. Tell me what I can do to win your heart. I will slay Trolls, walk through thorns, fast for a week. Please don't shut me out of your life. I love you more than a flower needs sunshine.

_Your penitent lover_…**A/N: This oneshot was based solely on the fact I found this letter in the Cheydinhal Sanctuary after Lucien dies and it made me sad. Because I'm like that XD. I've also been feeling a little depressed lately, so this is kind of a side-effect of that as well. And yes, I'm aware that you find this letter in several other places as well (such as Crowhaven). I'm really not all that happy with it, but I hope at least some people will like it. I'll leave it up to you all to decide if Isabelle killed Arquen or not. I'm also _very_ sorry for not updating either Vicissitudes or Whispers of Death in a timely manner (er...or at all, I suppose). I'm just going through a rough patch with them, and I've had kind of a crazy past couple of months, truth be told. I'm about halfway done with chapter two of Whispers of Death and I've started on the next chapter of Vicissitudes, I finally know (for sure) where I'm going with that story, at least. Whispers of Death is a little open-ended right now.**

* * *

**Whew, long A/N...**

**On a completely unrelated note, I would totally love whoever can tell me where to find this one song I can't get out of my head! It has the line: **_Light of the Sun, radiance of the Moon, I am always calling you._** If not, it's back to Google for me ^_^.**


End file.
